An alligator ate my garden

Posted: October 1, 2011 in alligators
Tags: , , ,

There is a lot less hedge in the world today.

Oh yes, that’s right and it’s mostly because I spent the day cutting mine down. I guess right now you might be asking yourself: What the hell has that got to do with alligators?

Well my new Black and Decker electric Alligator Lopper turned up and, of course, I just had to go out and play with it. It’s a wonderful thing, it’s bright and orange with chunky steel jaws and a set of gnarly whirling teeth; it can chew the branch off a tree in the blink of an eye.

A chainsaw for pussies I hear you say. Well if it is, then yes I’m a pussy. There was a time, when I was much younger, that I would think nothing of messing about with chainsaws. But now? Not on your nelly! It’s the idea of me, or worse, one of my kids cleaving off a limb; it’s the fear of hearing the sound of steel pulverising bone or seeing blood and flesh being sprayed across the garden… You get the point. Besides I can’t be arsed to go out and buy Kevlar jeans and steel toe-capped boots just to trim the hedge.

Well, the alligator thing is great. It purrs through branches in a couple of seconds, ones which would have taken five minutes or so with a bow saw. I’m dead impressed. My wife however; is not. I do have to concede that in some places I might have got a bit carried away with things. There are some parts that don’t really resemble a hedge any more and would be better described as a palisade of stumps, but to be honest I’m not that worried.  It’s Laurel and it will grow back.

Laurel is a brute of a plant, you turn your back and it will grow two feet, and my back has been turned for at least five years. It has grown so huge in fact that that it was beginning to create its own weather. It wasn’t as large as the Great Hedge of India which at its peak in 1878 was over eight hundred miles long and almost cut the country in two. That Hedge was built by the British and was used as an impenetrable Customs barrier so they could tax shipments of salt and sugar within the territory.  My one, although somewhat smaller than that, formed an impenetrable barrier to sunlight and now it has been curtailed the amount of light flooding into the garden is amazing. Even the leeks in the vegetable patch are squinting.

  1. Sounds like you had a lot of fun. Makes me wish I had some deforestation to do! Get those leeks some sunglasses …

  2. susielindau says:

    I love “it was beginning to create its own weather!” Hahaha! You are hilarious…

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